Even though this story is not about our daughter Evelyn, she has been a big part of my healing journey. Evelyn was our first pregnancy and was what I called, “text book”. As a biologist, it was so cool to see, feel and go through all this awesomeness because I loved to read and research why things were happening and how she was growing. Nerd alert! As a woman, I must admit it was a little odd to have another person growing inside you. I loved ALL of it! God had blessed me with this gift. Evelyn Mercedes James was born September 21, 2011, and she was perfect!
Fast forward about 3 years, and I was pregnant again with twins this time! We were so excited and ready for a new adventure. I figured everything was great, and I started to wonder what these little ones would bring to our lives. Then at an appointment, the doctor started to ask lots of questions. The sonogram of the twins was showing they weren’t the size they were supposed to be. They had stopped growing. My heart sank, and I started to cry. Part of me wanted to believe there was a chance they were fine, and the doctor was wrong. The other part of me knew it was true, and that I’d never get to hold them. I cried even harder when the miscarriage happened. I was sad and depressed because I wanted my babies back. I was angry because it was not fair. I was ashamed because maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I ate the wrong foods or was not in the best shape. I went crazy analyzing everything I ate, drank and did. I even felt guilty for being sad because I knew of mothers who had lost their babies after they were born so somehow I should not feel this way. I had never experienced this before, and I didn’t even know how I was supposed to feel. I felt alone even though I had support from my husband, who was also grieving, and friends and family. I did find hope in knowing God was holding me and was now holding my babies, but the pain and sadness were still there. Hope and Emmanuel would have been five years old this May.
In 2015, Grace Elizabeth was going to be our rainbow baby. This pregnancy WAS going to be different, and I tried to stay positive. I remember Evelyn talking to my belly. She was so happy to be a big sister. Then, it happened again. Grace Elizabeth had stopped growing. All the emotions and thoughts from my first loss came rushing back, except this time I was also consoling my baby girl who did not understand why her baby sister was no longer in Mami’s belly. She was devastated and so were we. But Grace Elizabeth gave her sister a message of hope and a reminder of a promise we hold onto everyday. Evelyn saw her sister in her dreams. She was sitting on Jesus’ lap. When I asked what Grace looked like, she smiled and said, “Like me, except her hair is lighter.” I know I will hold all my babies someday when I go home. Grace Elizabeth would have turned four years old last November.
No matter how common miscarriage may be, it never makes the loss easier. It is still a loss of life. They were my babies, and I miss them everyday.