My first childbirth story is quite traumatic. I had my first birth where my placenta was retained and I lost a lot of blood because I also tore. I ended up going septic 2 days later and had to go to the hospital without my baby there. It really messed up our breastfeeding plans and made me feel like a terrible mom. They threatened to call CPS every time my husband brought my baby to me to breastfeed so I had to start pumping. I was there in the hospital for 2 days and I cried the whole time for my baby boy. This is where my postpartum depression started.
My son and I still struggle with our relationship almost 4 years later. I felt like I was drowning most days because my pump at home didn't work, breastfeeding wasn't working, and my baby was always crying and upset. I felt like a failure. CPS ended up getting called because people thought my son was too skinny. He was failing to thrive and I almost had him taken away. I had to start supplementing with formula and that was the hardest thing as a new mom. At 4 months old, I ended up stopping breastfeeding completely.
We struggled with thrush and his tongue/lip ties for 4 very long stressful months. My husband would come home from working a long 8-12 hour shift depending on his hours and I would give him the baby and he would have to take him for the rest of the night. I needed a break, I didn't know what to do to not be frustrated and angry. I ended up pregnant with my daughter when my son was 4 months old. My postpartum depression carried on until I was about to have my daughter.
When my son turned 1 year, we had finally come to this place where we better understood each other and It was so much easier. My midwife helped us a lot, being a young mom with a baby boy. She gave a lot of resources to help me get through it. I ended up seeing a postpartum doula that helped me work through my issues before I had my daughter so it would no longer carry on.